Life moves pretty fast

Have you ever had the conversation about who you would have at your fantasy dinner party? That one where you can select three or four famous names, living or dead, who you’d want to put together and review the world with? In my experience, it is always a fascinating thought exercise that unfortunately finally ends with complete indecision!

The reason is the reality hits at some point in this process that; a) the folk that you pick would have nothing in common. b) you are thinking about the characters they portray or personas they present and not actually them. Or c) you’d never actually eat the meal or say anything to them because you are in the presence of these people, and you’d be captivated or overwhelmed.

This would be particularly true if you’ve picked your celebrity crush. The body would likely funnel all its resources into an adolescent style limbic system overload that resulted in your cognitive reasoning and muscle functions heading off on a pleasant holiday!

All this being said, anyone reading this will immediately think of their options for this scenario and begin to mull them over. My list consistently changes, but in recent times one of my choices would be the actor, writer and nerd-champion Wil Wheaton. If you are unfamiliar with Wil, he was famous as a child actor in the late 1980s / early 90s for appearing in Stand By Me and Star Trek: The Next Generation where he played Ensign Wesley Crusher. In recent years, he played a version of himself in the highly successful sitcom The Big Bang Theory.

In between, he went through, and came to review, some very difficult times leading to mental health challenges that he still lives with. But he eventually found his voice and a new purpose, and is now a very successful writer, presenter and, on a personal level, a voice I like to listen to for its opinions, honesty and insight.

A particular favourite of mine is his excellent audiobook recording of Ready Player One by Ernest Cline, which I have listened to multiple times. However, last summer I listened to his highly emotive audiobook recording of his autobiography Still Just A Geek and, just this morning, one of the supporting interviews he did for the book launch on Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum.

Still Just A Geek actually led me to sending an email of admiration and support to him – the first and only time in my life I have actually reached out to a celebrity, (and an effective stranger), in that way. I don’t know if it was ever read, and to be honest, that wasn’t really the point. The book moved me profoundly and I felt I needed to share that with him for my own well-being.

The honesty of his book and the emotions within, I found quite overwhelming, particularly as I finished it around the time of the anniversary of my Jen passing and when my Dad was in, what turned out to be, his final days as he battled with cancer. Wil’s relationship with his family is polar opposite to mine and is ultimately a very sad story. I have been very blessed with a supportive and loving family, and I am so grateful for that.

This morning, as I was considering what I would write in this next blog post for my sabbatical, watching the interview above reminded me of some of these emotions and hence interlaced with some other things I wanted to explore. To list them succinctly, these are pilgrimage, music and healing.

My sabbatical, and my blog, is ultimately about healing. Anyone who has seen my posts on Instagram and/or Facebook in this period may disagree, and suggest it is mainly focussed on visiting the Cathedrals of England and trying to take arty photos of them – and I can’t deny that is in there! (Mine are no way near as the excellent ones in the book The English Cathedral by Peter Marlow by the way, the exhibition of which I saw in Hereford). However, the activity of visiting places and embedding myself into them and their history, is a component of my journey and my approach to healing.

The interview with Wil Wheaton prompted me to re-read my very first blog post in my sabbatical story – Life Moves Pretty Fast. This has not been read by many previously as, although it is open, I never shared it with anyone. It is my baseline blog. I wrote it on a day which was one of the lowest of my life whilst my hands were shaking with adrenaline. I was tired and overwhelmed by grief driven anxiety and just couldn’t wait to do something different to try to combat it.

Hence, my journeys in this last six months, to cathedrals of not just religion, but history, art, and football have all been a step away from this point. As a result, I wonder if it is not too much of a leap of imagination to describe this time as a pilgrimage – an exploration of meaning separated from the normal cadence of life by visiting joyous, inspirational, or enlightening places. Isn’t that the reason that, when thinking of a sabbatical, many will automatically think of travel? Why walk up that mountain, try that food, view that architecture or chat to that museum guide if not to seek an effect on the soul and change the point of focus?

This chance to lift my head up has given me an opportunity to even consider these things, let alone do them. The result has been that I have smiled more when I am on my own and, even if this is the limit of my journey, just that step is something I was struggling with.

There is an additional component this calendar year that I have embraced slightly unexpectedly, but that I have naturally gravitated to, and that is music. In this past fortnight I have been to three different gigs and have seven more already booked for the remainder of my sabbatical. Again, in this period of introspection, I have been thinking about how important music is in my life.

I was never a great musician myself. My time playing clarinet and saxophone to a very limited extent in my teens, is remembered really for only for a fun story of my grandmother pinging coins at me during an impromptu Christmas concert in the lounge! Musical talent calls on the same co-ordination as video gaming and hence why in arenas such as Star Wars Battlefront online, I could be described as “Banther fodder”! But there I digress!

Music is a fundamental underpinning of the family I grew up in. There was always music on in the house and in the car, and to this day, I often feel quite strange if I don’t have something on to listen to. I’m sure for many families there is a thing that they share as a common connection even if it is a subconscious thing. I think for us as a family – Mum, Dad, my sister and I – we always have had that common connection around listening to music. Dad’s collection of music is substantial and a compilation of multiple genres and styles from Mozart to Marley. But there were also the Proms and music at church – certain hymns are part of the family soundtrack. Christmas is not the same without the playing of specific LPs and CDs. The John Rutter Christmas Album is a personal favourite – quite different from The Midnight playlist I am listening to as I write this! They are the next band I am going to see.

This weekend I managed to work my way through the four seasons of weather we have had recently to visit Liverpool. I like to build these city trips around an event if I can and on this occasion it was an excellent concert from synth group Ladytron. I didn’t get to sleep until quite late after this as it left me energised and with a big grin on my face! This was despite a long day of rail travel – although I enjoy this too! However, it had also included, of course, visiting the stunning cathedrals in Liverpool and, in the Anglican one, listening to the beautiful sonic harmonies of the organ and choir as they practiced.

It is a curiosity of my personality that, as someone who is not naturally a “joiner” or drawn to social situations, two of my great loves, music and football, are massively enhanced by a good crowd and the vibe created as a result. I genuinely get nervous with anticipation before these events and yet I have been to many of them, constantly seek them out for the future and invariably find them to be a positive experience. I’ve never quite squared that in my own mind.

The following day, I got up early and tried to cover the major landmarks and museums of the city, including the Tate to see the entries for the Turner Prize. I found all these exhibits thought provoking, but nothing quite captures me like music. Front and centre in Liverpool is the music of the city and, in particular, a certain Fab Four! The Beatles Story Museum was excellent – well worth a visit. In addition, ahead of time I had added the “Made In Liverpool” playlist on Spotify to my collection and listened to this at times as a I walked around the city and along the Mersey. I will be going back to Liverpool as I really enjoyed my visit. Maybe it’s the connection to music and football that enhanced my interest in a city dominated by these things?

One thing I know well about myself is that I am very driven by my imagination. I think it is a vital component of who I am. It makes me effective in my work and is embedded in my approaches to leisure time and learning. It supports my sense of humour and I think encourages me to be more empathetic in the world, which is only a good thing.

The challenge of imagination, particularly when combined with difficult experiences, is it can lead to anxiety. It allows you to imagine worse case scenarios and become easily discouraged. As I put in that first blog post, Jen and I’s life was led by these worse case scenarios for many years. Thus, it can become a mental habit to expect the worst and like all habits it is a challenge to change them.

My healing during this time I think can be described as trying to break that habit and put my imagination to work in other ways. Hence imagining what it was like to stand in the Cavern and listen to the Beatles for example, is one small step on that journey.

I have taken a number of those steps in these past months, but there are more needed and to come. I am very grateful for the chance to walk that walk. And to listen to some wonderful music while I do.