Life moves pretty fast

Amazingly, to me anyway, I have already reached halfway and the end of the initial six months of my sabbatical. The time has flowed past like a river with a strong current. In honour of the meeting I had with my manager at the end of the first month, I thought it would be good to do a little stock take. A chance to review what I have taken in, what I have put together and completed so far, and what I need to plan for in the next six months. But most importantly to check in with my main client – me. How do they feel about the progress on the tasks at hand? Does anything need to change? And most importantly, where am I going to take them for dinner?!

Food

Dinner is quite a good place to start. I find my approach to food is highly representative of my mood, where I am and what I am doing. I have eaten some wonderful food in this time but generally, from this respect, I must be honest with myself, it is one of the biggest challenges I face on a day-to-day basis in the world I find myself in. One where I have been and am dealing with strong emotions.

Food is the Moriarty to my Sherlock. The Joker to my Batman. It is a nemesis, but I wouldn’t exist without it. I’ve always struggled with being something of a comfort eater, and a big eater, but also prone to making bad food choices when I am tired. I often regret the takeaway or fast-food option over cooking, convincing myself I’ll burn it off with some exercise, but it never quite works like that. It means that mealtimes become both an expensive and challenging time that I am not currently on top of.

But most of all, it has become clear to me how much of a social activity having a meal is. I have been out and about a lot, but I still haven’t quite mastered being comfortable with “table for one please”. A fine restaurant is never quite as good on your own and as a result, I’ll often take a simpler choice, earlier in the day. I have some coping methods, listening to audiobooks or podcasts for example while I am eating and trying to make sure I look out into the restaurant or pub to people watch and be part of the room.

However, in the spirit of stock taking, the evening meal was always when Jen and I had dedicated time in our day together. We always made sure we sat at the table and, except for a little music, had that time to review the day’s events and make plans. I miss that conversation and sharing food experiences with Jen, including all the quirks and conversations over options, plus her support to eat well. It reminds me more than any other moment in each day that I am on my own.

As a result, sadly, as you can tell this means I tend to view food as more of an enemy than a friend. I haven’t managed to get that sorted out yet – “meal-planning” is not a phrase currently in my lexicon. It is an opportunity I need to try to develop.

Rest

In my first month review, I mentioned that I hadn’t really managed to rest yet, particularly in the context of being concerned not to waste time. This has changed a little over the following months. Not that I would say I have wasted my time, but I have been more forgiving of myself when I have taken a “simpler” decision on what my day will involve. I have only had a few days where I lounged around for the day, having got up very late and basically done nothing and watched some telly. And I have got dressed every day! But I have tried to embrace this as a time for a little self compassion.

To return to something I mentioned in those early blog posts, I think the rest I have got has been through allowing the conscious mind to process plenty of different things. These things are different not only in their “newness” but also that they are different from the challenges I have been facing. This has begun to create some capacity in my emotional bucket and, as a result, my anxiety and emotional distress has decreased, and I have felt more like myself. In this context, “rest” feels more akin to the time for wine or dough to rest, than say sleep or relaxation. A chance to settle and breathe. To become a smoother and better version of the underlying structure.

Travel

One of the ways I have hunted for “newness”, is by travelling around quite a bit and exploring this country. My previous posts focus on some of the details of these visits, however in a broader context, the most pleasant evolution for me has been just how much I have discovered and learned over the last six months. I’ve found it really invigorating visiting the towns and cities of, thus far, England and Scotland, that I didn’t know before. Like many, for me, they were mainly markers on a weather map or names in books. Sometimes until you walk the high street as it were, you realise how little you understand the context of place in understanding how the world has come together.

One of my favourite things has been the pieces of information I have received over the grape vine from various folk as my destination plans are shared. No matter how humble a place, people are always excited to share their tips for a good local experience in their hometowns. I know I do this when people visit my part of the world, and it has been splendid to receive these nuggets of insight. In slight contrast to my earlier comments, I have been pointed in the direction of some great spots for lunch! My thanks go to all of them.

Write

Writing has been something I set out to do in this time, and have managed to do, but in quite a different way from what I had expected at the beginning.

Firstly, there has been this blog, which was a passing idea when I was discussing my intentions for my sabbatical with my grief counsellor approximately this time last year. I have thoroughly enjoyed writing it. It has been cathartic and has helped me collect my thoughts in a very unexpected way. There is something about thinking about how to structure explaining experiences, thoughts and feelings that helps with creating clarity on what is going on around you. And I have been overwhelmed by the response and kind feedback I have received. It’s all rather humbling.

Following on from this though, is that the writing time that has generally gone into this blog is time I thought I would be using to write fiction. I am not a quick writer. It takes me time to draft and write these things out. I’m not unhappy about this, simply it wasn’t quite how I thought this would balance out.

I have managed to write a few chapters of my novel however, and interestingly, some of the things I have learned when visiting places in this period, has helped me crystalise the story I want to tell. Another very wonderful side benefit. I also have taken the chance to complete a creative writing course led by a personal favourite author Alan Moore that I thought was excellent. Thus, although I may not be as far along in this process as I perhaps would like to be, it’s not remotely disappointing where I find myself in this regard. Seeing an old friend announce the publication of her first novel this year has also been inspirational. I’m looking forward to more writing.

Watch a lot of football!

Well, it’s safe to say that this has been a focus of my attention! It has dictated where I have been and when and has even inspired me to travel to some places I may not have visited otherwise. Since the first of November, the start date of my sabbatical, I have attended twenty-seven matches. Seventeen with Arsenal, with two to go this month, and ten Enfield Town matches. Over the season in total, I should reach forty games. I also managed to watch all sixty-four World Cup games on tv in November and December! I’ve enjoyed every minute of it – even the defeats! The reason is the many interactions I have had with fellow fans – friends, family and strangers alike – and the shared experience of focussing on the emotional rollercoaster that is a football match. The beer works too! It’ll be strange not going to football for the months of June and most of July, but then there is some cricket in the calendar, and it will be back soon enough.

I really don’t where six months has gone. It was this time last year I was initially making the choice to take this break and already it is halfway through. Time does fly when you are having fun and I have had some great times recently. I’m looking forward to the next six. May they be as fruitful.