Life moves pretty fast

Today represents the three hundred and sixty fifth and final official day of my sabbatical. Where does a year go?! It has absolutely flown by, and I am now into the process of returning to work although, thanks to the curiosities of HR policy on use of annual leave, I don’t actually go back for another three weeks!

Thus, I come to the point where I begin to consider the outcomes of my break. I will write a blog all about the things that I have done and seen in the near future, but this one is to focus on the past five or six weeks. These have been challenging to say the least, where an outcome has been that my anxiety has come to the surface with something of a vengeance.

Since I returned from my trip to Singapore, I have sadly really not been myself. I pushed myself very hard to complete that trip and I am very pleased that I did, however, it bought to a head increased feelings of anxiety that have been building with me over the summer.

Anxiety is something I have lived with for most of my life on and off, however when Jen was diagnosed with cancer nearly eight years ago, I began to become more and more susceptible to its effects and it has, at times, increased to far higher levels than I had ever experienced previously. This past few years, with Jen’s and my Dad’s passing, has given it a fertile ground to grow from.

Anxiety is like ivy on a wall. You don’t really notice it getting bigger until one day you realise that actually the wall is nearly covered, and the tendrils of the plant are intertwined with the mortar of the brickwork picking away at its integrity. It is insidious and creeps its way into each day whilst maintaining a veneer of green life.

The effects for me are as you would expect from anxiety. Hightened fears, nervousness, panic, problems sleeping etc. The result has been a difficult time where I have needed to seek help from my GP, to restart counselling and to rely on the support of my loved ones who have been so wonderful for me.

This is ongoing and I am by no means back to being myself yet. These next few weeks will hopefully see continued improvement that I have seen over the last week but I have work to do.

So why do I share this in this blog? Well two reasons. Firstly, this is one of the consequences of my grief. It is not something everyone would experience but it is what I have experienced and part of the purpose of this blog is to share my story in the hope that others may find help or insight from it. Everyone I have spoken to in this past period where I have been struggling, has completely understood why I feel the way I do and if I look at the situation objectively, I have to say to myself, “of course this has happened. You’ve been through a lot and it has taken its toll”.

And that leads me to the second reason. If one of the outcomes of my sabbatical is that I actually take steps to truly deal with my anxiety with proper support on multiple fronts, then that has to be a good thing. I have given my body and mind time to process all these challenging times by taking a different approach to a year, and my body has said this is a problem that can’t be sidelined as something that can only be resolved with time or a piecemeal approach.

Hence, this ending has not been ideal. Bar a bit of football and a slightly shortened trip to Comic-Con with my understanding friends, I have missed a few things I was hoping to do, and before I go back to work, I may miss a few more. But the love I have received from my nearest and dearest is a wonderful reminder in the most difficult times, I’m not alone and I will be ok. I thank them so much from the bottom of my heart for that.

So, the final part of my sabbatical will be about rest and healing in a very literal way and, as rest was one of my key priorities for this break, I can feel calm approval of myself for doing what needs doing as I move from one phase of my life to another.

“All things end.” – Spock (Star Trek VI – The Undiscovered Country).