Life moves pretty fast

It has always been the purpose of this blog to help me process emotions and thoughts that arise about where I find myself in life as I move through my sabbatical. This past week, unlike many that I have written about before, has proven to be a little more challenging than I had hoped.

The trigger for this began last week when I had that horrible sensation that a rather annoying late spring common cold was sneaking up on me. It proceeded to flower into that rather unpleasant set of sensations and by products of which every human alive has known at some point and hence I won’t elaborate on.

The net result of this cold was many layered. Firstly, and most disappointingly, a planned trip to London to visit the Palace of Westminster and then a visit to family on the south coast on Sunday were both cancelled.

Secondly, I felt rough. I couldn’t sleep properly because I couldn’t breathe properly. I didn’t get out the house and just sat wallowing in my lounge sweatpants surrounded by grungy tissues and feeling sorry for myself.

Thirdly, despite what is commonly believed, man-flu is not cured by box sets or video games, but they do act as some form of salve. Thus, I have managed to get through an entire season of Star Trek Deep Space Nine (DS9) and played several battles on Fortnite in the past week to ease my annoyance at being ill.

Finally, my attempts at getting into cooking a bit more through having recipe ingredients delivered, stuttered and then failed completely as I put Just Eat into full action.

This is when it went properly Pete Tong. The chicken kebab was a slightly curious choice from minute one. It is not my usual sort of order but it came with salad so I thought it might class as semi-healthy and being chicken, reasonably low fat option. I don’t know if it was because of my sore throat or just a lack of concentration on my part, (it was a TV dinner), that I then proceeded to get a lump of said chicken stuck in my throat.

I could breathe but not well and spent about 10 minutes trying to clear it. I got rid of some, but it felt like it my throat was still blocked. My breathing raced and, I must be honest, I started to panic. Not quite knowing what to do and being on my own, I called 999 and an ambulance crew turned up pretty swiftly. They gave me a proper wallop on my back a few times, a bit more came out, but my throat felt awful, and I was struggling to get my breath. A trip to A&E later and an injection to calm the muscles in my throat down and I felt rotten. I was upset, embarrassed and exhausted. I was able to drink so they sent me home confident that there was nothing still trapped. My good friend Paul, being the kind and decent man he is, gave me a lift home late on Sunday evening for which I am very grateful.

The following day was very unpleasant. The injection wore off and my throat, as is common apparently in this scenario, went into complete spasm as if there was something still stuck and as a result my anxiety went though the roof. I was fortunate that by 9.30 I had spoken to my GP on the phone and got a swift prescription for a combination of pills. The problem was, I literally couldn’t keep anything down even though my breakfast had been made of ice-cream. Fortunately, one of these pills, the important one which is a dose of anti-anxiety medication and a muscle relaxant, just dissolves in the mouth. Suffice it to say it took two of these about eight hours apart to help me and my throat to settle after a very distressing and emotional day.

I woke yesterday with a mother of a hangover. It is strong medicine, but it had worked. I was able to eat tentatively but normally, although my throat did start to tighten as the day went on. It eased enough overnight with one more dose of the strong stuff, a side effect though being some very strange dreams.

Thus, this morning, feeling a little battered both physically and mentally, I was grateful to find that things are pretty much back to normal. There is still a slight sore bit in my throat, but I can eat and drink fine. The challenge of the day though has been to rebalance myself emotionally. I’m still quite tired as I haven’t really slept properly now for about a week. However, some things have come together today, whether by my design to try to deal with where I find myself, or by coincidence, that have helped. I wanted to share these through this one designed approach of writing a blog post to help process the events.

As described above, I find that my good habits, like good food, mindfulness meditation and exercise are one of the first things that go by the wayside when I am feeling either mentally or physically poorly. The paradox of this is of course, is that it is then when they are most valuable. They combat the instant challenge of loneliness and worry that I feel when faced with these kinds of scenarios. Thus, this morning, I did well and set out to do some good stuff for my wellbeing.

I went through my morning mindfulness routine of firstly a ten-minute Calm meditation and then reviewed the NASA Astronomy Picture of the Day (APOD). This second step may seem a little less understandable than the first, however, I have performed this routine now for many years since Jen introduced me to mindfulness. I find the APOD focusses my mind very quickly. It is normally beautiful, fascinating and I find reminds me firstly, how small and temporary we all are but also encourages me to think of one of my favourite quotes from Star Trek VI – The Undiscovered Country, (Shakespeare’s description of the future), “History is replete with turning points. You must have faith that the universe is unfolding as it should”.

Next, I got my food sorted. A solid breakfast that gave me enough energy to change the bed post-cold, (what a relief!). I had a shave for the first time in a week, and nice shower and then took a leisurely stroll to the town. Whilst doing this I enjoyed a few episodes of Round The Horne, (see my Towel Day post), to bring a smile to my face. Then two of those nice coincidences kicked in.

Being a Wednesday, the little Mexican food van I like was in the market, so I picked up a soft mild burrito ready for an early lunch. My stomach is still catching up after being empty for about twenty-four hours, so when I got home, I settled in with this and the episode of DS9 I had got to. Rather pleasingly this was the much celebrated and very funny DS9 / Original Series Trouble with Tribbles crossover episode! As my visiting cat had popped in a little earlier for a tickle and some tuna, the combo with the trilling, fluffy tribbles, led to a nice fuzzy sensation inside and silly grin on my part. I did chat to Jen all the way through it, frequently moving my gaze to her photo opposite, as it was one of her favourite episodes because it is just really cute!

My final step, once lunch had settled, was to get some exercise and go for a slightly longer walk on Royston Heath. Fortunately, here today it has gradually got more beautiful, warm and sunny as the day has gone on. I have a little route that I walk from home, across the most easterly hill of the heath and into the copse behind, then round in a circuit to get a drink at the café before heading home.

As I walked across the plane of the hill, the wind was moving through the long grass in that beautiful way, that were the grass not green but blue, you could be convinced you were looking at soft waves on an expansive lake. One of the stunning iridescent Adonis Blue butterflies flew across me with that fun ungainly waddle of flight that butterflies have, and I immediately thought of Jen. Not only because butterflies seem to have visited a lot since she passed but also these butterflies are very rare and Jen always used to say the following when she saw one, “Hello Tuts. You’re rare. Did you know that?!”. I smile to myself and say this every time I see one and today was no exception.

I then entered the trees of the wood. There is nothing quite like the calmness of a wood for me. The light through the green leaves and the sound of the wildlife is just good for my soul. There is a little spot I have found after about a 10-minute walk where there are two fallen trees. I have perched on one of them and sat and forest bathed in that spot in all seasons.

The bare trees in winter are quiet until the crack of twigs whips through the air. The spring ground smells of soft earthy mud as the plants bud all around. On a soft autumn day, the misty rain drips off leaves of gold and red and is absorbed by the green moss and sprouting fungi. On this early summer day, a chaffinch visited, and the wind coaxed the trees and shrubs to move harmoniously with one tickling me on the back of the neck!

After a period of time, I genuinely don’t know how long, I walked back out of the copse on to the lower ground of the heath. Flat mown grass was punctuated by multitudes of daisies, (Jen’s favourite flower), and buttercups reminiscent of the APOD stars earlier in the day. The Skylarks could be heard in the long grass either side, although they went quiet as one of the local Chiltern Red Kites with its distinctive pointed tail, came into view overhead like a small brown-red dragon.

Thus, a drink and small portion of Bakewell Tart at the café later, I walked home to write this and contemplate this past week. As I said, my throat is still a little sore and I still don’t quite feel one hundred percent but right now, I feel better today than I have for the last seven at least. Now I’m going to rest up for the evening and I suspect an early night is in the offing. And maybe just one more episode of DS9!